Self-Empathy in Design: Using Objects to Create a Fulfilling Space

Years ago when my teenage niece visited my two-bedroom apartment in a very builder’s grade apartment complex, she commented, “my friend [who lives a few doors down] has the same apartment as you…but yours looks so different…Hers is like a box.” My perceptive niece was referring to the contrasting approaches her friend’s family and I had to home design. In typical maximalist fashion, my apartment was filled with color and things. And while I didn’t see her friend’s apartment, I assume the family either wasn’t into decorating and/or didn’t have the (emotional) resources to create a sense of home. 

For some, decorating is not a priority; and simply having a home that meets basic needs for shelter and safety is enough. However, according to the design psychology hierarchy of needs created by design psychologist, Toby Israel, we can have a self-actualized home, i.e., a home that supports the best, most fulfilled versions of ourselves, only if certain needs are met. These include needs for shelter and safety, social and psychological needs, and aesthetic needs. 

While needs for shelter are basic and necessary for survival, psychological and social needs are also important but often minimized or overlooked. These are needs that meet our desire for a sense of love, belonging, and esteem, as well as a need for community and privacy. It’s deeper than just having a pretty home, it’s about having a home that supports us emotionally and allows us to integrate different parts of ourselves, particularly the parts that have been suppressed due to societal constraints. 

In her latest book, Designing-Women’s Lives: Transforming Place and Self, Israel highlights the challenges women architects and other female place-makers have had in creating human-centered projects within the context of a male-dominated field that values objectivity and rationality over subjectivity and emotionality. She proposes that women architects often have to neglect parts of themselves in order to be successful professionals. Nevertheless, many of these women have been trailblazers in creating human-centered spaces. These are spaces that are infused with empathy for people’s stories and elicit strong, positive feelings such as honoring marginalized women’s social needs by creating often overlooked private and social spaces, or otherworldly architecture that symbolizes higher ideals.

Israel summons us to follow the lead of these inspiring women by using our space to more consciously honor the aspects of ourselves we may have hidden so that the home becomes a “catalyst” for wholeness.  One of the ways to do this is to consider the objects of our home and the meanings they have for us. Notably, founders of the popular design website, Sight Unseen, and authors of, How to Live with Objects, Monica Khemsurov & Jill Singer, mirror Israel’s sentiments about using objects to create fulfilling spaces.

In their book, they write that “living with objects we care about–for reasons that transcend their basic function—is always something that has come naturally to humans.” It’s this ability to transcend design with objects and create spaces that reflect the highest versions of ourselves Israel urges us to strive for. As if Khemsurov and Singer plucked the information right out of Israel’s design psychology books, they assert that objects are part of our “personal emotional landscape” and “ reflect us”, “tell stories,” and “make us feel.” 

The authors go on to say, “Your objects can establish your identity...” In other words, in design psychology terms, the objects in your home, consciously or unconsciously, tend to symbolize your persona; and when you become conscious of these symbols you can more easily use objects to help achieve place self-actualization. The authors further reason that when “someone walks into your home and sees the items you live with, they may start to understand you better…and may even see commonalities between your interests and their own…” This shows how meaningful objects may also help to create connections and satisfy social needs. So if you are looking to include more specialized objects into your home, here are some ways to consider using them to create a more emotionally fulfilling space.

Identify objects in your home that you would not want to give up

my Glass Bowl: I Adore it for its swanky 70’s vibe, reminiscent of something that would be displayed at a cool aunt’s house party.

If you were going through the design psychology process, you’d be asked to go through a number of exercises that help you to better understand your experience with place, including an exercise that helps you identify meaningful objects in your home. So consider the objects in your home that you’d have a hard time giving up; and determine why they are meaningful. This will help to bring your unconscious thoughts and feelings to the fore. 

Incorporate similar favorite objects from the past into your current space

My antique writing desk: After painting it all sorts of colors and putting it in the garbage pile, we decided to keep it and now it’s part of our family’s story.

Perhaps you don’t currently have meaningful objects in your space, or you have very few and would like more. If so, consider favorite objects from past, and the reason they were meaningful to you. Then see if you can find similar objects to place in your current space. The objects do not have to be the same, they only need to  remind you of the objects you remember. Note that design psychology is not about re-creating the past, but rather it’s about capturing the essence of past beloved objects. 

Expand your search for meaningful objects

My 1930’s pedastal table: my husband spent a lot of energy striping it , so it’s definitely not going anywhere anytime soon.

Not sure where to find meaningful objects? Many special objects can be found in unexpected places, so don’t rule out any store. Nevertheless, many objects with soul can be found secondhand; and there are a plethora of vintage stores online you can peruse. Often, however, when you go to vintage stores or flea markets looking for a specific object, you’ll be hard pressed to find it. So you will need to have a little patience and trust the process.

Resist the urge to buy an object just to fill up space

My Empire Style stool: It has a wordly, expresive vibe that was part of my ideal home statement.

This brings me to my next point which is don’t just buy any object because you need to fill the space. If you are looking for carefully curated objects that mean something, and are a reflection of you, then leave a space empty until you can find the “right” piece to fill it. The empty space will be a reminder of what’s to come; and will reduce the chances that you will stop looking for the object because you’ve replaced it with something else.