Recap: Coping With Difficult Relatives Over the Holidays

Hey folks! When The Everygirl asked me to write about ways to cope with difficult relatives over this holiday season, I wanted to be able to share all that I've learned in hopes that it would make someone's family holiday gathering just a little more pleasant. I think it's a topic that's relevant to a lot of us who have had to brace ourselves for dealing with those relatives that require an extra dose of inner strength. Some of us grow up with an impression of what a near perfect family should be, and it can be hard not to use it as a barometer for our own family experience. Others of us just want a functioning family, never mind perfect. Whatever your family challenges are, there may be some comfort in knowing that you are not your family. Still each of us has a unique impact on our family dynamics, and we can learn to interact with relatives, especially difficult ones, in ways that facilitate our own inner growth. Here are a few tips I mentioned in the article:

1. Deck the halls with self-reflection

What do you think your reaction to your difficult relatives says about you? This may be an easy question to answer for some, and more difficult for others. But it is a question worth answering if you want to learn a little more about yourself. I’ve had relatives who embarrassed me to no end, and I realized it was mostly because I felt they were a reflection of me. I had difficulty disassociating my identity from theirs and felt invested in making sure they were more perfect so I could appear to be, too. This type of self-understanding helped me to address personal issues such as my inclination to feel responsible for family issues outside of my control, and may do the same for you. 

2. Put a label on it

What do you think is wrong with your relatives? Are they pompous, untrustworthy, bullies? Maybe they have a legitimate personality problem. Whatever it is, label it. While I normally wouldn’t recommend boxing people into categories, in this context we can take a cue from doctors who use this method to make it a little easier to understand and manage patient symptoms. Trying to attach a label to your difficult relative's “symptoms” may be a helpful way to detach yourself, and see your relative’s behavior more objectively. Of course, I wouldn’t recommend sharing this label with the difficult relative unless you are looking for a full-force blow out. But used for your own purposes, it can create a healthy distance between you and the difficult relative, and may make it easier to not take it so personally. 

3. Wear their shoes

Perhaps taking an empathic stance might minimize your negative reactions towards difficult relatives. Do you know how your difficult relative got to be so difficult? Maybe they had a challenging childhood. Maybe they feel misunderstood and cope by lashing out. Or just maybe they are trying to connect with you and don’t know how. Whatever it is, knowing a little bit about them adds a different dimension to their behaviors that may make them a little easier to tolerate. 

4. Check your perspective

If you are anticipating a stressful family holiday gathering due to one or more difficult relatives, you are probably thinking of all the ways they are going to get on your nerves. This does nothing to put you in the holiday spirit, and may make you anxious and uptight. But if you want to have a better attitude about it, engage in a relaxing activity like exercising or journaling before the gathering to get you physically and emotionally prepared to deal with the family chaos. Relaxing allows you to think more clearly so that when your difficult relatives come at you, you are better prepared to deal with them. 

Read the full article on The Everygirl.

This article originally appeared December 14, 2016, on The Everygirl.

My Burgeoning Freelance Writing Career

Well Hello There! So glad to see you. I've been wondering where you've been- ha! *wink*. Hopefully, you've been living life to the fullest and enjoying spring. Aside from chasing little ones and working a full-time clinical job, I've been busy transitioning to a more creative career, incorporating my passion for design, fashion, and style into my work as a psychologist. I know very few (practically none) who have done this, making the path a little more difficult but hopefully that much easier for anyone coming up behind me. Part of my plan is to offer creative consulting services which I've spoken about here. But another part of the plan is writing for online magazines and websites that cover my creative interests. It's all very exciting and really helps me to sharpen  my writing skills. Among the websites I've been writing for is The Everygirl, a popular website for 20-somethings looking for inspiration to navigate young adult life. I've written a bunch of wellness and other related posts for them. Below are a few:

Here, I wrote about how to deal  with difficult personality types. I enjoy making psychological concepts relatable to lay people. It really is a different, and  refreshing style of writing considering that most psychology articles are written for esoteric journals and often complicated by psychological jargon.  I based the difficult personality types on actual clinical personality disorders (histrionic, narcissistic, depressive, compulsive, dependent), but stayed away from discussing full blown personality disorders as I felt it was beyond the scope of the article. I wanted to strike a balance between being entertaining and informative; providing psychoeducation and introducing the readers to different types of people without getting too clinical, especially since most of that information can be found on other, well-known websites. Read the full article here.

I was really psyched to write about design psychology, a branch of psychology that focuses on meaningful and emotionally fulfilling design. It's a relatively new field and looks beyond focusing on the aesthetics or safety needs of a space to social and psychological  needs that push us to achieve a self-actualized sense of place. I incorporated some tools used in design psychology to helps clients create a "blueprint" of their ideal space, including creating a vision of an ideal space based upon past, present, and future sense of place, picking favorite objects that evoke meaningful memories, and getting rid of objects that do not have meaning. See the full article here.

For this piece I wanted to target over shopping and ways to cope with it. Over shopping is similar to other types of addictions in that you use a "thing" to avoid dealing with deeper level issues that are often harder to address directly. So as an alternative to faulty coping skills, I offered some tips for dealing with poor shopping habits such as figuring out the reason you over shop, what you're getting from it, and learning to use other, healthier ways of coping.  You can read more about the article here.

For sure writing can be challenging, particularly with my hectic schedule. But it is also super rewarding to have an opportunity to be creative. In addition to the The Everygirl, I have also recently been hired as a contributing writer for Houzz.com. I'm thrilled to be able to photograph and write about people's homes for the My Houzz series. I have a passion for interiors, and writing for Houzz is icing on the cake. So stay tuned for posts about my home tours! Until next time folks.