Do I Really Have Anything? The Battle for Self-Esteem

Do I really have anything?

It’s a question I’ve asked myself during periods of self-doubt and discouragement. When those moments come, I know what I’m supposed to do. I’m supposed to remind myself that I am valuable, that I have gifts, and no amount of rejection or invalidation can change it. And it’s supposed to work. But it’s not always so easy. I’d say I’ve mostly been able to coast through the ups and downs of life pretty well, but my foundation has a few cracks that usually show itself when I’m triggered by experiences that rattle me. (Ugh, those pesky triggers.) The concept of being so self-assured that others’ perception of you mean almost nothing is a fascinating one. You have to be very inward leaning, looking inside yourself for comfort and being content with who you are.  It’s a perspective that takes time to cultivate and usually involves a mix of nurturance and structure during childhood, experience with repeated rejection, and that feeling of happiness that comes over you when you’ve decided just not to care about other’s opinions. I have the first two down, but it’s that third one that I can’t quite pin down so easily. The relief that comes with not caring about what other’s think of us takes practice; and I’ve missed a lot of lessons.

So when I ask do I even really have anything? It reflects my nasty habit of deep diving into the sea of self-doubt when things feel really hard. And, it’s a sea that I indulge in more often than I care to admit. Like those who have had practice building themselves up, I’ve had practice knocking myself down. Why do I do that? Is there a comfort in it? Well in a dysfunctional way, yes. And perhaps it comes just as easy as it does to those who find comfort in no longer caring about what others think. Maybe if I berate myself enough I won’t have to be disappointed. So I berate myself into nothingness, so much so that I might cease to exist, and won’t have to worry about feelings of sadness and hopelessness.

Why is this a better option? It isn’t. It demoralizing and chaotic—a horrible place to be in. And honestly, not a natural place for me to stay. I once heard Oprah say there are no mistakes. All bad experiences and failures are meant to guide you inward towards yourself, your “supreme destiny” which I basically interpret as God’s idea of us. Like the old saying goes “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger”; and if this is a struggle for strength, than I believe repeated feelings of hopelessness will somehow lead me to where I need to be. Kind of like a child who is tired of fussing and finally gives in, it gets tiresome to be so demoralized. So those moments when I’m discouraged and consumed with self-doubt, I’m strangely on my way to better self-esteem, a stronger sense of value, and hopefulness. Its all on the same road.  The scripture, Romans 8:28 reads “all things work together for the good of those who love God”—the good and the bad. So when I ask do I really have anything? The real answer is yes, I do. And you do too.

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Four Good Reasons to Organize Your Space Now

What better time to spruce up your space than the spring? With all its new blooms and airy freshness, it’s hard not to catch the wave of inspiration, especially with all the cool organizing gadgets out there. Still, just because we want to organize our stuff or even need to, doesn’t mean we do it.

While the idea of spring cleaning sounds lovely, sifting through months or even years of clutter can be a challenge. Oftentimes the stress of a busy life causes us to live in a state of disorganization longer than we’d like to be. I know I've let things pile up during stressful periods with no effective organizing system in place.

Some of us bounce back relatively quickly, and can put together a nicely, organized space showing no trace of the disaster that was there only a day before. Others have a harder time, and disorganization may be reflective of deeper, emotional conflicts that create a feeling of being stuck both inside and out. Since organizing is as much an emotional activity as a physical one, the process of decluttering, throwing away, and organizing can be an important initial step in alleviating emotional distress. So whether it’s pretty easy to get organized once you put your mind to it, or you need more of a push to make it happen, here are 4 good reasons to get yourself in gear and start organizing now.

1. Clutter is Disrupting Your Life.

The Problem: Each morning you raid through every nook and cranny of your home trying to find the keys you last dumped…somewhere. They’re never in the same place twice and can usually be found amidst other stuff you’ll soon be searching for. Maybe you turn over every bin in your home office looking for the stapler or other supplies you were just using five minutes ago. How about your closet has, shall we say, “expanded” to other parts of the room, and now you choose your outfits from a pile on the floor where your shoes should be. Your disorganization is becoming less tolerable each day— it’s affecting your daily routine, makes you feel lousy about your space, and intensifies every other negative feeling you have.

The Why: When you’re disorganized in one area of life, there’s a pretty good chance you’ll find that level of disorganization elsewhere. Be aware of patterns in your life. The clutter may mirror the chaos you’ve been experiencing in your career, relationships, or other significant area.

The Fix: Once you recognize those areas that are just as topsy-turvy as your things, begin to deal by creating an organized, functional space that is more reflective of the way you’d like to approach life. As much as clutter can negatively affect how we proceed through the day, an organized space can have a similar, opposite effect giving us a positive, renewed outlook and more clarity to tackle other challenges.

2. You're Tired of Dreaming About It:

The Problem: You want the dream life, the dream job, and of course, the dream home. Maybe you’ve fantasized over well kempt homes you see on blogs or in mags, or you’ve visualized down to the last detail how you'd organize our home. You have a habit of buying organizing accessories that up until now have only collected dust, adding to the clutter.

The Why: While dreams can certainly propel us to action, the relationship between dreams and action is complicated. Studies show positive fantasies can actually hinder people from taking action. This is because dreaming relaxes us, making it more difficult to feel the need to do something. It’s kind of like we substitute the fantasy for the doing, and the good vibes we get from it makes us less attuned to cues that might otherwise help us interpret our situation in a more realistic way. So if you spend your time dreaming about a well laid out closet, you may be missing out on real-life opportunities that could help you get the closet you want.

The Fix:When dreams are combined with a realistic assessment of our situation, we are more likely to turn them into action. Think about the resources you don’t or do have to get organized. (Maybe you have limited storage and feel overwhelmed, but have a very organized friend who can help.) Then make a plan of action to deal with what is standing in the way of you and organizing. This way your fantasy can be grounded in reality; and when you resolve to make the sacrifice (whatever that may be for you) needed to take action, you are in a better position to see your organized space take shape.  

3. You’re Ready for a More Fulfilling Life.

The Problem: Disorganization is negatively affecting other areas of your life, and you’re not living life as fully as you’d like to. You have a cluttered space that is confining and prevents you from expanding, and this may signal difficulties with expanding and growing in other areas.   

The Why: Many times we’re stuck in a clutter rut with a lack of clarity on what our clutter means about us. It can mean different things for different people. Maybe it symbolizes remnants of your past you’re committed to holding on to. Or maybe you buy a bunch of stuff that reflects the life you plan on living but haven’t gotten to yet. Sometimes clutter is adaptive such as when you’ve experienced a significant loss or trauma and can’t focus on organizing anything at the moment because you’re just trying to survive. But if your disorganization has long outlasted the event and you can’t seem to take action, avoidance can make it worse.

The Fix: Get clear on what your clutter means for you and address it. If your stuff is a reminder of people or things you don’t want to forget, think of other ways you can keep memories alive like limiting keepsakes to one box (it may be a very large box, but it’s one box), or transferring photographs to the computer. If  you’ve bought tons of stuff for the life you’ll have someday, say business exec, identify what changes you need to make in your life to achieve that lifestyle. Then use the stuff you have to support the change, like a display shelf with self-help books to help bring out your inner bossdom. Although you may still feel not quite like yourself, cleaning up after you’ve been dealing with a significant loss is a good sign you are adjusting to your new normal. The more stuff you clear out and organize, the more room you make for new and rewarding things both physically and emotionally.  

4. You Want to See That More Fulfilling Life by the End of the Year.

The Problem: If you promised yourself that you were going to organize your home this year, and you haven’t started yet, chances are it’s not happening any time soon. Most of us have gone through a major life transition that makes it difficult to focus on organizing. And before we realize it, we’re six months in with no sign that this cycle of “meaning to” is coming to an end.

The Why: The condition of your space is a pretty accurate indicator of how you think and feel,. When you keep pushing off organizing, you become more comfortable with the discomfort of the clutter, and the life you are looking for continues to feel out of reach. If you take the time to organize it even though you don’t feel like it, it sends a message that you are working through those things that are holding you back. Usually just deciding to do it is all it takes to get your wheels turning in the right direction. It’s much like working-out-- you may not want to but you always feel better afterward.

The Fix: If you think of your space as a catalyst to the life shift you envision, you can begin to see it differently and get the much needed boost to work on it now. Maybe you want to start a home business but haven’t started working towards it, still organize a workspace to help you run one efficiently. It doesn’t matter if nothing much in your life says business owner right now. It will. If you want to be more social this year but haven’t had time to reach out, create a sitting area to entertain friends even with no specific plans to entertain in the near future. You might have plans sooner than you think after exerting the effort of putting together a little gathering space. There’s something about behaving as if things are the way you want them (even if they aren’t yet) that puts things in motion. You don’t have to wait to make these first small steps. If you feel you need some help to start, considering hiring someone like a professional organizer, an interior stylist or designer, or even a design psychologist who can help you create a space that promotes the growth and change you are seeking.

5 Tips for Transitioning to a New Career

You’ve been at your job for a few years now and feel the need to shift. And it’s not just any job, but one you went to school for so you feel super conflicted about changing it. You thought you had it all figured out.

Go to school for this many years, get this and that job, and if it doesn't work out, you could always switch, right?

Absolutely. One of the most important pieces of advice I’ve gotten is that we all have the right to change something we don’t like about our lives. If you don’t like your hair color, change it. If you want a better attitude, change it. And if you aren’t satisfied with your career choice, change it.

But there’s another piece of advice, people don’t often tell you.

Changing careers is hard.

Especially if you and your family depend upon the career you have now. Sometimes it's not as cut and dry as changing a career as much as it’s about incorporating a new one into your old one—kind of like what I’m doing (see here). But it’s nonetheless challenging.

I started off my career path with a clear goal in mind and earned my way to a Ph.D. in counseling psychology— an accomplishment which took a large chunk of years out of my young adult life (11 years to be exact). I knew I was doing something meaningful, and the idea that I could make a real difference in the lives of others by helping them heal from the inside out was nothing short of amazing. But just because I had a clear goal doesn’t mean I didn’t have questions.

Like what about all those days I spent glued to the fashion channel looking at runway shows, or being inspired by fashion magazine layouts, and dreaming up outfits I’ve never seen? What about all those interior design magazines I spent hours sifting through, and the hours daydreaming about how I’d design a room? What was supposed to happen with that? Maybe they would just be relegated to pastime hobbies. Maybe.

But as the years passed, I started feeling unfulfilled professionally. I began looking at blogs and people doing creative things that inspired me, and made me rethink my career path. Did I make a mistake? Did I pick the WRONG profession? The mere idea of it was disturbing enough to keep my head spinning and the tear ducts flowing until I couldn’t even think a clear thought. I was suffering from what psychologists call dichotomous thinking. It’s a cognitive distortion that suggests things have to be black or white, with no in between. It’s a rigid, unimaginative, emotionally-driven thought process that never allows for a resolve and keeps you stressed.

I didn’t have enough faith to recognize that life flows, and a career decision you make at one stage in your life can be just as valid and right as a different career decision you make at another stage in your life. And it does not mean either one was wrong.

It all works together for good— if you let it.

And if you’re willing to handle the challenges that come with the turns, you can make a successful change. Here are some tips I’ve learned to help you through the process.

1. Get re-educated.Even if you don’t have the time or resources to get another four year degree, there are many other ways to get re-educated such as through online and in-person training programs. Of course, the requirements you'll need depend upon your chosen profession, but you may be able to start off with a certificate, or you can take courses to learn a specific skill, or even read up and train yourself. Long gone are the days when you have to sit in a classroom to get an education (although there's nothing wrong with that, ha!). Now with a little creativity, you’ll be surprised how much you can learn at a fraction of the cost it takes to get a four year degree.

2. See what you can take with you. It can be disheartening to feel that you put so much work into a career only to decide to change it just as you were starting to make good money from all that hard work. But if you can find a way to use what you already know and apply it to your new career, you may have a renewed perspective on your skills and what you can offer to others. One of the things I really like about psychology is it's applicability to other professions. I can apply it to design and make it work for me instead of feeling like I have to follow a traditional psychology career path. Even if your new career bears very little resemblance to your old one, you may still be able to find a way to apply what you already know with a little out of the box thinking, making the transition just a little smoother.

3. Strategize. Most of us can’t just pick up and leave our job at a moment’s whim (if you can, ruuuuun! and don’t look back). But for the rest of us, it’s going to take a little more forethought. If you decide that you need a shift in your career, don’t get frustrated and give up if you don’t see a job move in your future. Often the conditions are never perfect enough for us to do what we’d like to do. So we have to take life by the horns and create it ourselves. One way to do this is to strategize a plan for you to transition. For me, I allow myself certain days to work on blog and business stuff while still carving out time to do my full-time clinical job. It doesn’t always work and sometimes I get discouraged, but if you keep plugging away at a thing, you’ll eventually get to where you’re going.

4. Be compassionate.This can’t be stressed enough. There are so many people who want to change careers but they feel they don’t have  enough time, or money; or they feel they're too old, or they don't have enough support or resources. Whatever the reason, they stay where they are, in a place they’d rather not be and grow miserable. But if you are doing something, even if it's small, it's a sign you aren't stuck, and have a passion for living and growing. So when things get tough and you feel like nothing is happening, remember you ARE doing something even if it feels not enough. Because eventually a whole lot of not enough begin to equal enough.

5. Don't quit. Now I’m at a point in my career when my diverse interests and passions are starting to coming together—my inclination to work with young people, my knack for counseling, my love of design... And by considering it all, I’m better understanding the unique calling I have on my life. It’s like one big puzzle, and there are some days I’m so excited, but other days I’d rather sit on the couch and watch television (actually that  sounds like a good idea on any day). Either way, I made up in my mind not to quit even when I want to. Trying to put the pieces of my life together is actually a great motivator. It's like trying to solve a big mystery that is me, and maybe it is that way for you too. What components of your life are you putting together?

These are some of my ideas about how to transition careers. If you have any of your own, feel free to share them here. I’m always looking for new ideas.

(BTW, these pics are from my family room/office. It's not completely finished but it's coming together slowly but surely.)

5 Good Qualities Jealous People Have (But Don't Know It)

Jealousy is not a coveted character trait. There's the jealous girl in the movies who we all love to hate. Or the jealous friend who stopped talking to us when we got the job she wanted. How about the jealous classmate who always seems to be prying in our business and constantly trying to one-up us in class. No one wants to be that girl (or guy). Jealous people are bitter, resentful, and plain old pathetic. And in a perfect world, that is NOT us. We like to think of ourselves as pretty good people. So to consider the possibility that we may harbor jealous feelings, even some of the time, doesn't sit well with us. It creates what is known as cognitive dissonance. That's the discomfort we feel when we hold two opposing ideas. One of the ways we deal with the discomfort is to explain it away, or suppress it. In fact, we may not even be consciously aware of our own jealous feelings and behaviors. But jealousy doesn't go away just because we ignore it. Instead it grows, and shows itself in ugly, mean-spirited ways. Of course, feeling jealous does not necessarily mean we are bad people. The key is to use jealous feelings to make ourselves better by dealing with it directly. And to help with this process, I came up with five good qualities you probably have if you catch yourself feeling jealous.

1. Jealous people are sensitive. Essentially, jealousy is the feeling that someone has something you want, but can't seem to get. There is a feeling of lack, and it creates the sense that life has not been fair to you. This makes you more sensitive to situations in which you are treated unfairly. In fact, you notice things people don't. You may even find yourself seeking out proof of personal injustices just to support your belief that things are not fair to you. No, none of this feels good. But if you look a little closer, your sensitivity can be a valuable asset. Just as you are sensitive to injustices, you can also be sensitive to those moments when things go your way, when you get blessings you didn't necessarily deserve, or when someone makes a kind gesture on your behalf. With your keen eye, you have the ability to notice things that make you feel grateful rather than hateful.

2. Jealous people are creative. Jealous people are known for blowing single incidents out of proportion and making sweeping generalizations. It's called catastrophizing. Let's say your boss didn't notice all the hard work you put into a project, and instead raved about your co-worker's project whom you know didn't work half as hard as you. But instead of brushing it off, you're feeling a whole lot of jealous, and before you know it, the "I can't believe (s)he didn't notice me" and "Why did (s)he get noticed" turns into "No one ever notices me" and "Everyone else always gets noticed but me." The one incident tends to take on a larger than life quality, and this is how many jealous people cope with feeling fed up. Sometimes it feels easier to wallow in the idea that life is against us because it's too painful to hope for the best and get let down. But few of us realize how much creativity (and not to mention energy) it takes to make our experiences fit into a negative worldview. Just like an expert weaver, we have to tease, pick, and parcel out all the half-truths and inaccurate or unhelpful thoughts we've gathered from negative experiences all while ignoring the positive ones, just to create a worldview we think is easier to manage. It's so much work— no wonder why we feel drained. But just as we can create a negative worldview based upon negative experiences, we can create a positive worldview based upon positive ones. Since so many of our circumstances are outside of our control anyway, why not focus on the positive experiences more often. It will make you feel much happier and way less tired.

3. Jealous people are tenacious. You may spend your time focusing on the successes of others because you can't get past the unfairness of it all. But you're smart, and already know the effort you're expending on those you deem more privileged isn't logical; yet you feel stuck, and like a bad case of magical thinking, there's the sense that mulling over it will change things somehow. While it isn't healthy to be consumed with the lives of others (although social media makes it so darn easy), the intensity with which you do it, is actually a misuse of your tenacious spirit. I mean, imagine what you can accomplish if you refocused that energy inward? How much more would your gifts, talents, and creativity flourish?

4. Jealous people are analytical. Not only do you catch yourself focusing too much on the successes of others, but you make comparisons with a fine-tooth comb to explain why things haven't worked out. Thoughts like "Oh she had more opportunity to practice than I did, " or "I had three jobs and couldn't get anything done but he didn't have to work," or "She had help, I didn't," probably sound really familiar. We do this to make ourselves feel better, yet many of us fail to realize the critical thinking skills we are using. This is because unresolved insecurities causes us to let our emotions override our intellect and ability to think thoughts that are way more helpful, accurate, and healthy. If we made good use of our intellect and used those analytical skills to compensate for emotional weaknesses, it can really go a long way to resolving those "chips on the shoulder" (is that a term?). It may be difficult to do at first, but remember you have tenacity, *wink*.

5. Jealous people are strong. I know it doesn't always feel like it, but the truth is most people who find themselves feeling jealous have been in a struggle, a struggle to overcome long-standing insecurities and self-doubt that was never conquered. But the very fact that you are in a struggle, means you are trying to deal with it. And when we deal with feelings of jealousy instead of trying to pretend it isn't there, jealousy will begin to lose it's power. Then we can realize the strength we had along along, but didn't know it. ♥