Dressing for Your Body Type: Athletic/Skinny-Fat

Hi There! Way back in 2017, I interviewed three women with different body types about their body image journey. I thought it would be valuable to share how they overcame their struggles with their bodies in hopes that it would help us with ours. Well, I’m excited to be bringing back the series because if we’ve ever needed support as we strive to become the best version of ourselves it would be now when the world feels so upside down.

For this installment of the series, I’m interviewing the VP of Design Development  for Coach, Pamela Saunders. Pamela has a sharp sense of style (and I’d low key like to raid her closet). So I was happy to be able to pick her brain about her body image journey and style sensibilities. Now go ahead and take out your (virtual) pen and pad and start taking some notes! See the interview below.

Trulery: How would you describe your body type?

Pamela: I would lovingly describe my body type as athletic/skinny-fat.

Trulery: Ha— skinny-fat! How would you say your body image evolved—how did you learn to appreciate your body?

Pamela: My appreciation for my body image has been quite the journey. The moments that shaped it the most were post-college, corporate America, and COVID. I was always a snazzy dresser, thanks to my mom who started out as an executive in retail and came home with new items weekly. But I was always in oversized clothes (and still enjoy them actually) and very preppy.  This continued when I went to college, in a very small town, in the mountains. I wore sweats and Birkenstock’s for years; and because of the coverage, I wasn’t as focused on my health or body. Needless to say, I gained the freshman 25, and it stuck. Fast forward to post-college, I started to go to boutique gyms, and tried different work-outs. Once I started seeing my athleticism, and how quickly I was able to gain muscle, I was addicted.

Entering corporate in the fashion space heightened my appreciation for my body. I was able to try different trends and appreciate how my body looked in many different styles. More recently, my relocation to Costa Rica in early 2021 made me love my body and all its flaws. It was hotter than Hades, and there was no way I could ever cover cellulite and stretch marks. I was a beach bum whenever possible and lived in a bikini. There was so much freedom in just enjoying the sun, focusing on being healthy and “surviving COVID.” Everyone in town had the same mentality and was focused on wellness, growth, and self-care. So there was no room for insecurities and not loving yourself. It was a liberating experience!

Trulery: What is one piece of advice you would give to anyone struggling with your specific body type?

Pamela: I would say to anyone struggling with my body type— “get over yourself!” I was so self-conscious about my thighs that I never wore shorts until this year. Now that’s unimaginable! Self-love is everything. No one is perfect, and if you embrace yourself, the world is yours!

Trulery: What styles or pieces of clothing work best on your body and why?

Pamela: I’m 5’5” on a good day, and short-waisted. So any item of clothing that can help elongate me and skim my shape works for me. Some of my go-to pieces include a wrap dress that creates curves, and balances my top and bottom; midi-slip skirts or dresses; and long trousers with heels. Of course my bikini, and cropped blazers that lengthen my lower-half.

See Pamela’s 6 staple wardrobe pieces.

Vintage Saint Laurent/ Missoni Crochet-Knit Bikini/ Military Combat Hat/Dries Van Noten Jumpsuit/Gianvito Rossi Floral Lace Peep-Toe Booties/Tamara Mellon Hellbent Mid Calf boot

You can see more of Pamela here.

Different Time, Same Style: Special Occasion

I continue to be fascinated by the clothing people wore to express themselves in previous eras. It’s a lot to consider—their personality, ideas about clothing passed down to them by parents or caretakers, wider cultural ideas about what specific pieces meant, the social-political zeitgeist, and how a person put it all together to create their unique sartorial expression. I like to take this stroll down memory lane a step further by conceptualizing what these people from eras past would wear today, in our time and culture. When I see a picture of someone from the past, I consider what factors impacted their clothing choices that day. While I take creative liberties, I look for relatable themes I use to construct what their outfit might look like today if they were the same age in the picture. For this installment of Different Time Same Style (DTSS), I’m exploring our mom’s clothing choices— mine and my friend Myriam’s mom to be exact. I’m focusing on special occasions, as getting dressed up to go out really brought out the fashionista in these women.

In order to understand our moms’ sartorial choices, let’s consider their history. Myriam’s mom, Ms. Zula, always liked clothes, and her interest in clothes came from her mother. Though she did not grow up with a lot of money, her mother made sure she was put together with her hair combed and styled. She was drawn to dressing up, and described her style as “fancy".” In her adult life, Ms. Zula moved from Haiti to the States. Like many Caribbean women, she worked hard to create a good life for her children and family in a new country; and instilled many values in them like responsibility and pride. So being well-dressed one way to express these values.

In this picture, Ms. Zula is dressed up for a holiday function— a time we all love to show off or best gear. When Ms. Zula was asked about her outfit choice in this picture, she said she felt good about her dress. She liked the color and the way it fit. She had no qualms about wearing red and pink because “they go together.” Sometimes people shy away from the tension created when you combine variations of a hue, but not Ms. Zula! She just felt it was pretty and that was enough. I find that carefree approach so refreshing. Also, Ms. Zula’s fine jewelry is significant to her. Both the necklace and broach are the first expensive pieces she bought with her own money, and she still has the pieces today! I think having sentimental pieces is the ultimate form of self-expression— it cuts through trends to create a wardrobe that has personal meaning.

The elements that stood out for me in Ms. Zula’s outfit are the prettiness, the carefree quality of combining variations of a hue, and the refined, significant pieces of jewelry. See how I think Ms. Zula would style her outfit today.

Carolina Herrera dress/ Saint Laurent sandals/ Marni bag/ Oscar De La Renta broach/ Kate Spade necklace / Inspo photo

And next we have my mom. If you saw me talk about her in my intro video, you heard me say my mom wasn’t into fashion at all. For the record, I’d like to correct that statement. What I meant to say was that she did not necessarily know name brands, or scour through fashion magazines. BUT, she definitely enjoyed expressing herself through clothes and had her own unique way of dressing. Like Ms. Zula, my mom came from the Caribbean— Jamaica. She later lived in England for 15 years before deciding to relocate her family to the States. I think for her, America represented opportunities, and a chance to live a good life—one that she enjoyed expressing through her clothes.

In this picture, my mom was going to church— an integral part of my her life that gave her many opportunities to get dressed up. When I asked her about her outfit in this picture, she said it is a “two-piece” light pink suit; and she wanted to wear a suit because it was “more sophisticated” than a dress. She chose light pink because “everyone was wearing” it at that that time. And of course, it all had to match to appear really put together. She also wore a lacquered rattan purse with a wooden handle (the same one I rock today) because she thought it looked “stylish” and couldn’t find it anywhere else. All of this lets me know, appearing polished, cultured, and unique was high on her list, and a reflection of what she valued.

The elements that stood out for me were the suit with pastels and pleats. The masculine touches on this otherwise feminine ensemble likely created the sense of “sophistication” my mother was drawn to. The matching, monochromatic color scheme suggests effort and thoughtfulness—very much unlike the carefree, I-woke-up-like-this look we value now. I thought about how my mom would incorporate the sense of pride reflected in matching her pieces (which is more ironic and nostalgic now) with the more carefree style of dressing we revel in today.

Marco De Vincenzo dress/ Max Mara blazer/ Mehry Mu bag/ Prada shoes/ Thada velvet headband/ Inspo photo/ Chloe shades

Here is my mom again at my brother’s graduation. It was the end of the 70’s and everything felt heavier and weightier, and clothing felt thicker and less airy (think old school polyester). Though much time has past, some staples remain. It’s hard to see from the picture (sorry about that) but my mom is wearing a light pink skirt suit—super cute then and now, right?! When asked why she chose the outfit, she said “I thought it was very pretty…When I saw it I loved it right away…It fit me so well.” Now here is a woman who knows what she likes. For those who tend to deliberate before buying something, there’s definitely something to be said for knowing “it” when you see it. If you have to think too much about it, it may not be the right piece for you— agree?

The major element that stood out to me was the tweed-like matching skirt suit, reminiscent of Jackie O. Perhaps if my mother were the same age today, she would update it with a bustier (probably not, that’s more me) and thong mules that make the outfit appear lighter, and less stuffy than in previous years.

Giambattista Valli blazer/ Giambattista Valli skirt/ Brother Vellies shoes/ YSL handbag/ Prada sunglasses/ Nicholas bustier/ Inspo photo

Do you agree with my interpretation? How do you think these women would style their outfits today?

What To Do If You Have A Difficult Personality

How to know if You’re the Difficult One

How do we know if we have a difficult personality, or we just think we do?  First, let’s be clear-- everyone has flaws and there is no perfect personality. But if you have a pattern of difficult personality traits, it will usually show up in your relationships. Here are a few ways to tell.

You are the Center of the Drama

Do you you always seem to be at the center of drama and spend a great deal of your time and energy brooding about it? Maybe you always find yourself in conflict with someone at the office, and nearly everyone including your most easy-going colleague has lashed out at you. Perhaps  even family or true friends have called you out on your  behaviors. Or, they always have to phrase statements a “certain” way for you to understand them, and walk on eggshells around you. If any of these sound familiar,  then you may be struggling with difficult personality traits.

Your Relationships Never Go As Planned

If you are struggling with difficult personality traits, it’s  probably costing you your relationships. Maybe you have conflicting ideals (e.g., you want people to like you but you also want to be in control), have a rigid way of perceiving situations, and/or have a  low tolerance for anyone who does not see things the way you do. While you may have family that will always love you or you’re lucky enough to have some true friends that have stuck around, you likely have a much more difficult time maintaining positive family relationships, friendships, and/or romantic relationships than you would otherwise.

It’s Never You

Perhaps you may feel that others, not you, are the problem. Some with problematic personality traits, including those with traits severe enough to qualify as personality disorder, rarely ever question their behaviors or consider that they may be at fault during a conflict. This can cause quite a few problems, if not for them, then everyone else-- and they probably don’t read articles like this with themselves in mind. On the other hand, you may have come a long darn way in trying to improve yourself and your relationships, which by the way is highly commendable. But you still genuinely struggle with seeing or understanding situations from another’s perspective.

What to Do if you have Difficult Personality Traits

A major difference between those with difficult personality traits and those who are well, less difficult is that at some point, they were distressed by their relationships enough to consider they needed to make some changes to the way they interact with others. And while this process may be difficult, you don’t have to be. Here are some tips to follow.

Thoughts Happen- Be Aware

Sometimes thoughts happen so quickly that they occur below our level of awareness. But just because you aren’t aware of them, doesn’t mean they don’t have a big impact on the way you feel and behave. I remember times when I’d immediately assume someone didn’t like something I said or did and for no particular reason other than fear- fear of being judged or not liked, or fear of having to re-live a negative experience. When we automatically assume the worst, it places us on the defense, and defensive people don’t exactly give off the warm and fuzzies.

Check Your Patterns

We humans are pretty predictable. We can come in contact will all different kinds of people from all over the world but we usually have a limited repertoire of behavioral styles we use to interact with them. And these behaviors are based upon a pattern of thoughts and feelings that drive how we see ourselves, how we see others, and how we see ourselves in relation to others. What are some patterns of thoughts and feelings you notice you have when you meet a new person, are out and about with friends, talking with coworkers, or just spending time with family? It’s important to check the way you think, feel, and behave for any unhealthy patterns you need to break.

Be Adjustable

It’s one thing to understand our unhealthy patterns of interactions, but another thing to know what to do about it. Those with relatively healthy personality traits have learned to adjust their behaviors or empathize more easily than others. But our behavioral patterns are so ingrained in us that it is difficult to change behaviors we know are not good for us, or behaviors that once worked for us. Maybe being defensive worked when you were constantly being attacked, but now that you are no longer around those people, you still respond the same way, even though you don’t have to, and even though it may not be good for you. If you can relinquish some of your rigidity even before you think you’re ready to, you may be pleasantly surprised to find out that you are still okay afterwards.

Try Something New

Once you decide you’re going to start making some adjustments to the way you relate, then you have to decide which behaviors to adjust to. It’s time to consider some new, healthier ways to relate to both yourself and others. Let’ say you have a  problem with external validation and need attention, you’ll first want to gain some understanding of the source of these issues and consider healthier ways to satisfy those needs. This isn’t easy to do, and many people opt for professional help to do it, particularly if they’ve behaved the same way for years. But any new behavior starts with a simple decision to do it.

Setbacks are Part of the Process

Usually when we are trying to get rid of old, unhealthy patterns of relating, it takes a minute before we can see some lasting changes. You’ll probably stumble along the way because, let’s face it, you don’t go from being the difficult co-worker in the office to being Mary Poppins in a couple of days. And it’s not so much about how others’ perceive you as much as it is about how you perceive yourself and others, which is typically the root of the problem. If someone says something that triggers you, you may resort to old patterns of relating such as shutting down or attacking. But instead of looking at it like a setback, consider it an opportunity to behave differently next time so you’ll be less vulnerable to others’ slights against you.

Stay Compassionate- You are Not Your Personality Problems

Any changes towards a healthy personality style begins with self-compassion to know that you are not your personality problems. You may feel that way because your personality is so much a part of you. But problematic personality traits are really just unhealthy coping skills you have acquired to help you get through life. Once you can see yourself, with all your good qualities and quirks, as separate from your personality problems it will be easier to shed them. Visualize how you would feel about yourself and others if you did not have to deal with the insecurities and fears that are at the root of your personality problems. Your relationships with others would probably improve because people would see a difference in the way you relate to yourself and them.

These are just a few tips and are not meant to take the place of clinical treatment. If you are struggling with problematic personality traits and relationship problems too severe to handle on your own, try seeking the assistance of a professional. It may be more helpful than you realize.

Recap: Coping With Difficult Relatives Over the Holidays

Hey folks! When The Everygirl asked me to write about ways to cope with difficult relatives over this holiday season, I wanted to be able to share all that I've learned in hopes that it would make someone's family holiday gathering just a little more pleasant. I think it's a topic that's relevant to a lot of us who have had to brace ourselves for dealing with those relatives that require an extra dose of inner strength. Some of us grow up with an impression of what a near perfect family should be, and it can be hard not to use it as a barometer for our own family experience. Others of us just want a functioning family, never mind perfect. Whatever your family challenges are, there may be some comfort in knowing that you are not your family. Still each of us has a unique impact on our family dynamics, and we can learn to interact with relatives, especially difficult ones, in ways that facilitate our own inner growth. Here are a few tips I mentioned in the article:

1. Deck the halls with self-reflection

What do you think your reaction to your difficult relatives says about you? This may be an easy question to answer for some, and more difficult for others. But it is a question worth answering if you want to learn a little more about yourself. I’ve had relatives who embarrassed me to no end, and I realized it was mostly because I felt they were a reflection of me. I had difficulty disassociating my identity from theirs and felt invested in making sure they were more perfect so I could appear to be, too. This type of self-understanding helped me to address personal issues such as my inclination to feel responsible for family issues outside of my control, and may do the same for you. 

2. Put a label on it

What do you think is wrong with your relatives? Are they pompous, untrustworthy, bullies? Maybe they have a legitimate personality problem. Whatever it is, label it. While I normally wouldn’t recommend boxing people into categories, in this context we can take a cue from doctors who use this method to make it a little easier to understand and manage patient symptoms. Trying to attach a label to your difficult relative's “symptoms” may be a helpful way to detach yourself, and see your relative’s behavior more objectively. Of course, I wouldn’t recommend sharing this label with the difficult relative unless you are looking for a full-force blow out. But used for your own purposes, it can create a healthy distance between you and the difficult relative, and may make it easier to not take it so personally. 

3. Wear their shoes

Perhaps taking an empathic stance might minimize your negative reactions towards difficult relatives. Do you know how your difficult relative got to be so difficult? Maybe they had a challenging childhood. Maybe they feel misunderstood and cope by lashing out. Or just maybe they are trying to connect with you and don’t know how. Whatever it is, knowing a little bit about them adds a different dimension to their behaviors that may make them a little easier to tolerate. 

4. Check your perspective

If you are anticipating a stressful family holiday gathering due to one or more difficult relatives, you are probably thinking of all the ways they are going to get on your nerves. This does nothing to put you in the holiday spirit, and may make you anxious and uptight. But if you want to have a better attitude about it, engage in a relaxing activity like exercising or journaling before the gathering to get you physically and emotionally prepared to deal with the family chaos. Relaxing allows you to think more clearly so that when your difficult relatives come at you, you are better prepared to deal with them. 

Read the full article on The Everygirl.

This article originally appeared December 14, 2016, on The Everygirl.

5 Tips for Transitioning to a New Career

You’ve been at your job for a few years now and feel the need to shift. And it’s not just any job, but one you went to school for so you feel super conflicted about changing it. You thought you had it all figured out.

Go to school for this many years, get this and that job, and if it doesn't work out, you could always switch, right?

Absolutely. One of the most important pieces of advice I’ve gotten is that we all have the right to change something we don’t like about our lives. If you don’t like your hair color, change it. If you want a better attitude, change it. And if you aren’t satisfied with your career choice, change it.

But there’s another piece of advice, people don’t often tell you.

Changing careers is hard.

Especially if you and your family depend upon the career you have now. Sometimes it's not as cut and dry as changing a career as much as it’s about incorporating a new one into your old one—kind of like what I’m doing (see here). But it’s nonetheless challenging.

I started off my career path with a clear goal in mind and earned my way to a Ph.D. in counseling psychology— an accomplishment which took a large chunk of years out of my young adult life (11 years to be exact). I knew I was doing something meaningful, and the idea that I could make a real difference in the lives of others by helping them heal from the inside out was nothing short of amazing. But just because I had a clear goal doesn’t mean I didn’t have questions.

Like what about all those days I spent glued to the fashion channel looking at runway shows, or being inspired by fashion magazine layouts, and dreaming up outfits I’ve never seen? What about all those interior design magazines I spent hours sifting through, and the hours daydreaming about how I’d design a room? What was supposed to happen with that? Maybe they would just be relegated to pastime hobbies. Maybe.

But as the years passed, I started feeling unfulfilled professionally. I began looking at blogs and people doing creative things that inspired me, and made me rethink my career path. Did I make a mistake? Did I pick the WRONG profession? The mere idea of it was disturbing enough to keep my head spinning and the tear ducts flowing until I couldn’t even think a clear thought. I was suffering from what psychologists call dichotomous thinking. It’s a cognitive distortion that suggests things have to be black or white, with no in between. It’s a rigid, unimaginative, emotionally-driven thought process that never allows for a resolve and keeps you stressed.

I didn’t have enough faith to recognize that life flows, and a career decision you make at one stage in your life can be just as valid and right as a different career decision you make at another stage in your life. And it does not mean either one was wrong.

It all works together for good— if you let it.

And if you’re willing to handle the challenges that come with the turns, you can make a successful change. Here are some tips I’ve learned to help you through the process.

1. Get re-educated.Even if you don’t have the time or resources to get another four year degree, there are many other ways to get re-educated such as through online and in-person training programs. Of course, the requirements you'll need depend upon your chosen profession, but you may be able to start off with a certificate, or you can take courses to learn a specific skill, or even read up and train yourself. Long gone are the days when you have to sit in a classroom to get an education (although there's nothing wrong with that, ha!). Now with a little creativity, you’ll be surprised how much you can learn at a fraction of the cost it takes to get a four year degree.

2. See what you can take with you. It can be disheartening to feel that you put so much work into a career only to decide to change it just as you were starting to make good money from all that hard work. But if you can find a way to use what you already know and apply it to your new career, you may have a renewed perspective on your skills and what you can offer to others. One of the things I really like about psychology is it's applicability to other professions. I can apply it to design and make it work for me instead of feeling like I have to follow a traditional psychology career path. Even if your new career bears very little resemblance to your old one, you may still be able to find a way to apply what you already know with a little out of the box thinking, making the transition just a little smoother.

3. Strategize. Most of us can’t just pick up and leave our job at a moment’s whim (if you can, ruuuuun! and don’t look back). But for the rest of us, it’s going to take a little more forethought. If you decide that you need a shift in your career, don’t get frustrated and give up if you don’t see a job move in your future. Often the conditions are never perfect enough for us to do what we’d like to do. So we have to take life by the horns and create it ourselves. One way to do this is to strategize a plan for you to transition. For me, I allow myself certain days to work on blog and business stuff while still carving out time to do my full-time clinical job. It doesn’t always work and sometimes I get discouraged, but if you keep plugging away at a thing, you’ll eventually get to where you’re going.

4. Be compassionate.This can’t be stressed enough. There are so many people who want to change careers but they feel they don’t have  enough time, or money; or they feel they're too old, or they don't have enough support or resources. Whatever the reason, they stay where they are, in a place they’d rather not be and grow miserable. But if you are doing something, even if it's small, it's a sign you aren't stuck, and have a passion for living and growing. So when things get tough and you feel like nothing is happening, remember you ARE doing something even if it feels not enough. Because eventually a whole lot of not enough begin to equal enough.

5. Don't quit. Now I’m at a point in my career when my diverse interests and passions are starting to coming together—my inclination to work with young people, my knack for counseling, my love of design... And by considering it all, I’m better understanding the unique calling I have on my life. It’s like one big puzzle, and there are some days I’m so excited, but other days I’d rather sit on the couch and watch television (actually that  sounds like a good idea on any day). Either way, I made up in my mind not to quit even when I want to. Trying to put the pieces of my life together is actually a great motivator. It's like trying to solve a big mystery that is me, and maybe it is that way for you too. What components of your life are you putting together?

These are some of my ideas about how to transition careers. If you have any of your own, feel free to share them here. I’m always looking for new ideas.

(BTW, these pics are from my family room/office. It's not completely finished but it's coming together slowly but surely.)

The Perfect Nude

It's true that many theories about psychology and color are misleading and erroneously suggest that our reactions to color are absolute, and promote very specific emotions. But really, the impact colors have on us is mediated by a range of factors including experience, culture, context, and personal preference. And as with any type of adornment, a lip color  communicates a lot about us and the way we choose to interact with the world. (See my post about it here.) There are some days I want a color that communicates a down-to-earth,  yet sophisticated vibe, and nudes usually do the trick. But I've always had difficulty matching nudes to my yellow undertones. Many of the nudes I've tried make me look washed out, or are too powdery, and I have had a hard time knowing what tones to look for. But when a friend of mine had on the perfect shade of nude that looked like it might work on me, my hunt was revived and I set out to find the right one. That color my friend had on was "Infinitely Likeable" by Mac. And just my luck, when I went looking for it, it was discontinued (ugh! Don't you just hate when that happens?) But of course, the search must go on, and I finally found three shades I thought would work along with a coordinating lip liner. They are Nars Bahama, Hour Glass Femme Nude,  Mac Half N Half Amplified, and Mac Spice.

During my hunt, I surprisingly learned a few things about nude lipstick I didn't know. For one, you don't want a "nude, nude" lipstick. That is, you don't want a shade that matches your skin exactly because then it looks just like concealer. To get that fresh faced look, you're nudes should have pink or rose undertones to brighten you up.

Another eye opener was learning the difference between nudes and naturals. Unlike nude shades, natural is designed to resemble the shade of your lip. It makes perfect sense, but was something I hadn't really thought of before. The Nars Bahama (shown above) is a natural and not the nude I was looking for, but I liked it a lot.

Choice number 2, the Hour Glass Femme Nude, looked really pretty in the package, but when I put it on, it had a white, powdery undertone that looked a little too garish. It' wasn't at all what I was going for so I immediately crossed it off my list.

Thankfully, the Mac Amplified (shown above) hit the spot just right. It had the pinkish, rose tints I was looking for and blended well with my yellow undertones.  I was also set on finding a lip pencil that worked with most nudes, and I choose a deeper color to give my lips some dimension. Of course, I wouldn't have known to choose any of it had I not had help at the counter, so it's always a good idea to ask questions.

And there you have it, my hunt for nude is finito, of course until the next, great shade becomes available. Have you had a hard time finding nude lipstick too? What nudes do you wear?