Do I Really Have Anything? The Battle for Self-Esteem
/Do I really have anything?
It’s a question I’ve asked myself during periods of self-doubt and discouragement. When those moments come, I know what I’m supposed to do. I’m supposed to remind myself that I am valuable, that I have gifts, and no amount of rejection or invalidation can change it. And it’s supposed to work. But it’s not always so easy. I’d say I’ve mostly been able to coast through the ups and downs of life pretty well, but my foundation has a few cracks that usually show itself when I’m triggered by experiences that rattle me. (Ugh, those pesky triggers.) The concept of being so self-assured that others’ perception of you mean almost nothing is a fascinating one. You have to be very inward leaning, looking inside yourself for comfort and being content with who you are. It’s a perspective that takes time to cultivate and usually involves a mix of nurturance and structure during childhood, experience with repeated rejection, and that feeling of happiness that comes over you when you’ve decided just not to care about other’s opinions. I have the first two down, but it’s that third one that I can’t quite pin down so easily. The relief that comes with not caring about what other’s think of us takes practice; and I’ve missed a lot of lessons.
So when I ask do I even really have anything? It reflects my nasty habit of deep diving into the sea of self-doubt when things feel really hard. And, it’s a sea that I indulge in more often than I care to admit. Like those who have had practice building themselves up, I’ve had practice knocking myself down. Why do I do that? Is there a comfort in it? Well in a dysfunctional way, yes. And perhaps it comes just as easy as it does to those who find comfort in no longer caring about what others think. Maybe if I berate myself enough I won’t have to be disappointed. So I berate myself into nothingness, so much so that I might cease to exist, and won’t have to worry about feelings of sadness and hopelessness.
Why is this a better option? It isn’t. It demoralizing and chaotic—a horrible place to be in. And honestly, not a natural place for me to stay. I once heard Oprah say there are no mistakes. All bad experiences and failures are meant to guide you inward towards yourself, your “supreme destiny” which I basically interpret as God’s idea of us. Like the old saying goes “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger”; and if this is a struggle for strength, than I believe repeated feelings of hopelessness will somehow lead me to where I need to be. Kind of like a child who is tired of fussing and finally gives in, it gets tiresome to be so demoralized. So those moments when I’m discouraged and consumed with self-doubt, I’m strangely on my way to better self-esteem, a stronger sense of value, and hopefulness. Its all on the same road. The scripture, Romans 8:28 reads “all things work together for the good of those who love God”—the good and the bad. So when I ask do I really have anything? The real answer is yes, I do. And you do too.
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