Help! I Hate How I Look: Using Clothing to Manage Body Image Issues

In the earlier part of my career, I worked as a therapist, mostly meeting with children and adolescents. I had a heart for my teens, often seeing them in response to significant trauma and helping them navigate identity issues. Without trauma, the teen years are hard enough. They’re spending lots of emotional energy trying to figure out who they are, and how they want to be in the world; and depending on life circumstances, that can come with a lot of self-sabotage. Unfortunately, too many of us can recall the, “I hate how I look” flare-ups we had during those angst teen years.  

With that said, it’s no surprise that dissatisfaction with appearance or body image is a major issue that comes up during my clinical work (I still do evaluations from time to time). Whether a teen presents with anxiety, depression, or any other mental health issue, it’s often expressed through and complicated by body image issues. And the way it usually looks is an overwhelming disdain for a specific part or parts of the body like legs or arms. What’s more, they equate their poor perception of their body to their self-worth, and feel less than valuable as a result. 

Sadly, body image issues don’t stop at adolescence. We often nurture body images issues well into adulthood such that when life gets challenging we tend to revert back to self-destructive patterns, including being preoccupied with what is wrong with our body. And the “I hate how I look” fits continue to be a part of our coping style well into our adult years. It goes without saying that we are more than our bodies; and one way to counter body image issues is to meditate on other things about us we know (even if we don’t always feel) are good and worthy of praise, like varied skills, kindness, bravery, and the list goes on.

Another way to counter body image issues is through clothing. According to Entwistle, author of The Fashioned Body, clothing is much more than a form of adornment, it is the way we learn to live in our bodies. There are tons of articles on ways to hide perceived body imperfections with clothing; and while many are useful, you can not use clothes to hide a largely poor self-image. Clothing and the body work as a team, and the body gives meaning to clothes and vice versa. Without the body, clothing is just a well-constructed piece of fabric. So in order for clothing to reach its full potential, it needs a body to give it life, soul, and the unique energy only a living breathing body can give. This is why two people can wear the same outfit and look quite different. If we value our body, it can live out its full essence within the context of clothing.

Of course, we don’t have to have a perfect body image to wear clothes well. Many of us are  struggling to improve our body image and progress isn’t a straight line. But in the meantime, we can use clothing as a tool to feel good about ourselves in our bodies, letting go of the “I hate how I look” outbursts we may have come to fall back on. Here are three ways clothing can help us manage our body image. 

1. Clothing helps us become our ideal

Just as Halloween costumes allow us to embrace the hidden parts of us, everyday clothing can work in a similar way. Our clothing gives us an opportunity to take on characteristics we admire, simply by wearing clothing that has symbolic meaning for us (a.k.a., enclothed cognition). To be clear, clothing does not have symbolic meaning without context, we associate it with the people who wear them and at a particular point in time. When we think of something like a beret, a tie, or black stockings with the line down the back (a personal favorite, ha!), we have a vision of what those clothing items symbolize. And if we enjoy wearing them, it is generally because we have seen it worn, and internalized what we think it means to wear them.

With that in mind, the ability to express ourselves through clothes and take on characteristics of our ideal look allows us to compensate for shortcomings we experience when we are anxiously preoccupied with our bodies. According to a 2012 article, Expression of Personality Through Dressing using clothing to compensate in this way helps us achieve psychological and spiritual balance. And it is this sense of balance that can gird up our sense of self, giving us the emotional resources we need as we are actively working towards improving our body image. 

2. Clothing helps us get comfortable communicating parts of ourselves.

Clothing is often identified as a nonverbal form of communication.  We can use clothing to feel better (a.k.a., dopamine dressing) and improve our mood. Or we can use clothing to lean into a miserable mood, creating something beautiful out of pain in a way akin to art therapy. So it’s important to be intentional about the message we’re conveying, not just to others but to ourselves. 

For those who struggle with body image, clothing gives an opportunity to express body image issues in creative ways, and maybe release some tension. I once heard a quote by Diana Vreeland that said something like (and I’m paraphrasing) whatever you don’t like about your body, make that the best thing about you. And of course, this requires some ingenuity and the ability to let go of rigid ideas of beauty, something those with body image issues are working towards. 

If this feels challenging, try doing an experiment and wear something out you’ve always liked and can wear well enough, but unreasonable body image issues have held you back (if you’re not sure what qualifies as “unreasonable” discuss it with a trusted friend or helping professional). Psychologists refer to this as an exposure technique, and it is a way to try out new experiences or ways of being without it being too overwhelming. Afterwards, take tabs on your experience and the reaction of others. Was it as bad as you thought it was? Are there any changes you’d like to make and do you have a healthy plan to make those changes? Can you consider developing a better appreciation for your body in these clothes even in its imperfect state? These are just some questions that will help you better process the experience, and of course it may be helpful to process this with someone else as mentioned.

3. Clothing gives an opportunity to alter questionable body image ideals

Often the reason we don’t like our legs, arms, butt or any other part of our body is because we have internalized alternate beauty standards. In the old days we just had to deal with the parts of our body we don’t like; but now with plastic surgery more accessible, we can change what we don’t like relatively quickly if we have the resources to do so. And while it’s beyond me to tell anyone what to do with their body, as a psychologist, it’s my job to understand the root of these changes. That is, it’s one thing to want to make tweaks to your body, and another thing if the tweaks are never enough. If it’s never enough, it suggests your desire to alter your body is based upon a poor sense of identity, and it is futile to build a healthy image on a faulty foundation. 

While plastic surgery may not be an option for some, clothing is. Fortunately, we have agency with clothes and can make active changes with clothing to accept or reject body image ideals. We can use clothes to cover up parts of our body we don’t like or as mentioned above, show off those parts. According to a concept known as cognitive control, we have the ability to change the way we see a situation. So exercising a sense of control over your clothing can act as a catalyst for having control over the way you choose to see your body. Since body image standards have to start somewhere, why not with you?

If you’ve used clothing to manage body image issues, what ways have they worked for you, or not? Share it with us in the chat. 

Struggling to Create Your Ideal Home? Try Changing Your Mindset

letting my imagination rip with these ai rooms. Creating anyway you can even without the resources you wish you had is what keeps your passions going.

Grand Red Striped bedRoom created by me in Midjourney.

With social media, we have more access to ideal homes than ever before. No longer relegated to seeing the homes of a few select celebrities in magazines, we get to see homes by regular people who are killing it and making a name for themselves. It’s really easy to get inspired by the homes of these “regular” people, especially when you share a similar sense of style. But what if your vision is bigger than your wallet or resources, and you can’t make inspired changes to your home as quickly or as regularly as you’d like? You may end up feeling discouraged, begin to compare yourself to others, and start to doubt your sense of style. 

If this sounds familiar, you’re no different than the rest of us. But it’s important to be able to insulate yourself from this type of design discouragement that puts a damper on your creativity and ultimately your well-being. According to design psychology, our ideal home should meet more than our aesthetic needs, but our psychological needs as well. That’s our need for love, belonging, and self-expression. And if your home does not satisfy you psychologically— that is, if it does not feel like a true reflection of you, you may experience disconnect and distress, particularly if your experiencing disconnection in other areas of your life. 

futuristic cottage created by me in midjourney.

So while there are many ways to fix up your home with limited resources, this post is for those days when you feel too discouraged about the state of your home to look on the bright side. Oftentimes, it comes down to understanding the type of control you have over the design of your home. Theories of control propose that there are three types of control we can have over our environment. There is behavioral control, which is the ability to take action;  decisional control, the ability to choose; and cognitive control, the ability to change the way we interpret events in our environment.

We might not have the ability to take action and completely gut our bathrooms or kitchens. Or we may feel our options are too limiting to make it our ideal home, but we can change the way we think of our home; and reinterpret the way we believe we can make it better for us and those who share our space. I like to think of it as creative control. 

While reading through the fall 2023 issue of House Beautiful magazine, I came across the home of designer and co-founder of Collagerie and Colville Official,  Lucinda Chambers. It’s a wonderfully, colorful, quirky, stylized home that has been curated over time rather than “designed” in the formal sense. Interviewed by Deputy Managing Editor, Olivia Hosken, Chambers shared that she has lived in the home for 30 years, and bought it when it was “shabby and uninteresting.” What’s more, she isn’t afraid to make design mistakes, championed the idea that there is always an opportunity to start over, and offered that it’s okay for a home to take a long time to come together.  

While we can make assumptions about Chambers’ behavioral and decisional control, her decision to move into a home that was less than enticing, and commit to making it her own over time suggests that she was able to maintain cognitive control. That is, she adapted during the in-betweens when maybe her home was less than she wanted it to be. Typically, homes that are well curated are appealing b/c of the joy each piece brings to the dweller; and in turn, the dweller is able to integrate it into the home in a way that is appealing to others. While a single keepsake, accessory, or furnishing may not be enough to make the whole house feel showcase ready, over time individual pieces begin to make a big impact. Don’t underestimate the ability to choose meaningful pieces from anywhere, a junk shop, big box store, or online that add something intangible to your burgeoning ideal home, making it feel more like a reflection of you, more psychologically satisfying. 

So for those moments when you are discouraged about your home decor and wish certain elements were in place, consider ways you can exercise cognitive control and think of your space in a different way. Here are some ideas.

grandmillenial room by me in midjourney.

1. Leave a space empty

Years ago, I read an article in Domino magazine that addressed the reality of trying to decorate your home in your 20’s without the financial stability to afford coveted high-end pieces. It suggested leaving an empty space to make room (mentally and physically) for the high-end furnishings you will afford in the future. Not only is this practice designed to keep you focused on saving up for the piece you want so you no longer have to stare at an empty space, it is also a form of affirmation. That is, every time you see the empty space it reminds you of what you are working towards and gives you the zeal to go get it. 

2. Use filler furnishings

If the empty space doesn’t work for you, you can also include filler furnishings. Those are place holders you use until you get the piece you want. If you don’t yet have the couch, carpet, or curtains of your dream, use what you have or buy something in its place you don’t mind looking at. The filler piece should be pretty subdued and simple, styled in the best way possible until you get what you want. 

3. Purchase an affordable, unassuming accessory you enjoy

During shopping trips, you may not be able to find the grand pricey pieces you’re looking for or you may not have the funds to purchase them. But how about buying something that seems rather insignificant, yet adds joy to your space— like a cool postcard or a candle, or even collectibles like shells or buttons. Adding these little pieces to your space or a vignette can do wonders to lift your spirits.

brown couch, pink room combo by me in Midjourney.

4. Rearrange furnishings

After seeing your furniture the same way for some time, you can begin to feel bored. So how about switching it up? Research shows that the places adults remember as their most favorite during childhood is the one they created themselves. There’s something about creating and recreating spaces with found objects that feel exciting and at times, magical. And rearranging your furnishings for a new look can give you the same jolt of excitement. It’s as if you you bought something new!

5. Do a deep purge

Sometimes, you may not be able to spend money but you can do a deep purge and get rid of everything that weighs your home down. Once you get rid of everything you don’t need, your home will feel lighter, fresher, and you’ll be in a better position to think clearly about what you need to fill the space. 

6. Create vignettes

While you may not be able to redesign a whole space, you can focus on creating smaller vignettes, and take pictures of them to build a moodboard that showcases your styling skills. It will no doubt expand your creativity, affirm your ability to be creative in less than stellar circumstances, and give you a dose of pretty while you wait to get the bigger design work done. 

What are some of the ways you take cognitive control of your space? Share it with us in the comments.

Using Your Clothing to Help You Get the Lifestyle You Want

In a recent blog post, I mentioned one way to tackle a disorganized closet is to figure out the type of lifestyle you want, and organize your wardrobe around it. While it may sound like a mere convenience, using your clothing to help you get the lifestyle you want actually goes a long way towards supporting mental health. Clothes are very much a cultural expression, and we can typically tell what cultural group someone belongs to by the way they dress.  But clothes are more than a cultural expression, they impact our thoughts, feelings, and behaviors in significant ways due to a mix of neuropsychological and cultural factors.

Clothing & Cognition

My Whimsical look; Symbolizes magical and imaginative.

A theory known as the simulation theory of cognition, holds that cognitive processes are stimulated as we interact with the physical world; and just visualizing an action or thought activates the same brain activity used when the actual behavior is performed (Hesslow 2012). This can explain why imagery is so impactful as our physical experience is intricately tied to our mental processes, hence the term, embodied cognition. This means our thoughts are rooted in our physical experience and  we embody them (Craighero, 2022). 

What’s more, we embody the meaning of clothing we put on. Drawing from the theory of embodied cognition, the theory of enclothed cognition (Adam and Galinsky, 2012) postulates that wearing clothing sets in motion cognitive processes triggered by both the symbolic meaning of the clothes and the physical experience of wearing it. This phenomenon also explains role theory. That is, people adapt to the norms associated with certain roles or positions within a culture based on the cognitive schemas or scripts that they carry around with them about the position or “role” they are in. So if you are wearing a white lab coat and it has symbolic meaning for you as a result of personal and cultural experiences, it will likely trigger your schema for white coats and you’ll act accordingly. 

Clothing & Mood

My Chic Look; Symbolizes minimal yet impactful.

According to cognitive-behavioral theory, thoughts and feelings are intertwined, and a thought can trigger feelings which reinforces thoughts. With this in mind, we can understand how the experience of wearing clothes with symbolic meaning can alter our mood. Shakaila Forbes-Bell in her book, Big Dress Energy refers to the act of wearing clothes to alter your mood as wearapy; and drawing upon the concepts of enclothed cognition, posits that when we wear clothes we associate with specific schemas it can foster positive moods (e.g., dressing to feel happy, aka dopamine-dressing) or help us to lean in and process negative moods (e.g., wearing all black when in mourning). 

Sample Cases

My Quirky Look; Symbolizes A freedom to be.

So now that we understand the impact clothes can have on our thoughts and feelings, let’s see how curating clothing that fits the lifestyle we want to live can work best for us using sample cases. 

[While these stories may be inspired by real-life cases, they do not depict specific clients and any resemblance to a specific client is coincidental. Also, these sample cases are not meant to take the place of therapy or treatment. And if you are struggling in any of the areas mentioned, it is advised that you speak with a mental health professional.]

Case 1: Corrin has always enjoyed clothes but when she began to experience difficult life experiences, her interest in fashion waned. She lost her significant relationship, wasn’t fulfilled in her career, and had gained weight. Thus, she began to use clothes as a way to hide; and her go-to jeans and t-shirts became her uniform of choice. While jeans and t-shirts offered her physical comfort, her overreliance on them reflected the lack of growth she felt. 

One way to assist Corrin with using her clothing as a catalyst to overcome her distress and better manage her life is to first encourage her to do the work to process her stuckness, and realize her value and goals. She can then better determine what types of relationships she is seeking, and what career she feels will satisfy her. Next, Corrin should identify and purchase clothing she associates with the lifestyle she desires and the goals she is working towards. In turn, the act of wearing the clothes will trigger her schema for those clothes and impact her mood, causing her to feel all the things she associates with those clothes. In this way, clothing can function as her support while she is working through the process to address deeper-level issues. 

Case 2: Natalie struggled with a learning disability and continues to have insecurities about her abilities despite her intelligence. She is currently not in a job she loves, and it triggers insecurities about her ability to have a successful career. Natalie’s insecurities are reflected in her clothing choices as she wears clothes she thinks she should be wearing to look successful (often clothing she does not need or cannot really afford) rather than clothing that makes her feel empowered and confident. 

Natalie can begin by processing her insecurities and affirming her sense of value. This includes considering what it means if she does not wear the clothing she thinks she is expected to wear. Although Natalie feels she has few resources to change her job situation, she can begin to do what is in her power to make a change, even if that means taking a course or learning a new skill. She could then identify the clothing she enjoys and why. This can help her clothing choices be more internally motivated; and gives her an opportunity to choose clothes that have a positive symbolic meaning for her. More than that, Natalie’s decision to make even small strides to pursue a fulfilling career gives her some sense of control that she can mimic in her clothing choices. That is, purchasing clothes she sincerely likes to wear can be a reflection of the sense of empowerment she is developing.  As Natalie experiences clothing that has a positive meaning for her, it can alter her mood, and ignite her belief in her ability to make choices and improve her life.

In essence, while clothing alone may not fix problems, they can support us as we are working towards changing them. How do you think you can use clothing to support your life goals and the lifestyle you want? Consider clothes that have meaning for you when you wear it, and work towards building a wardrobe that supports your growth. 

Mindfulness and the Urge to Buy

How many times have we walked into a store with the intention of buying one thing only to come out with much more? Or we were just window shopping and spent money we really didn’t have on shoes we had to have? How about the times we bought multiple tops because they were on sale, but we probably wouldn’t have gotten them otherwise?

All of these scenarios fall under impulsive buying behaviors. Research describes impulsive buying as “sudden and unplanned buying ” that occurs “without thinking about the potential future consequences of the action performed.” In other words you buy on an urge, and maybe you’re seeking the pleasure that comes along with these impulse buys. This is known as hedonic shopping value and refers to the pleasure we gain from getting something— sometimes to compensate for sadness, fear, or just boredom. All too many of us shop to feel better or experience the high that comes along with getting something new. And this doesn’t have to be a bad thing, but it can be problematic if we rely on it too much. This increases the risk of regretful purchases and poor money management.   

So what can we do to counter too many impulse purchases? Researchers advocate for mindful consumption, the “application of mindfulness to inform the choices consumers make in the world.” Mindfulness, drawn from eastern practices, is a state of mind that focuses us on the present without judgment, and allows us to observe our thoughts, sensations, and emotions without acting upon them. With mindfulness, we focus our attention on our task, not the past or future, and create joy with attention.

Mindfulness is a technique I have practiced with children in trauma-focused treatment; and love the idea of using it to make us more conscious shoppers. With the children, I did a focused breathing/mindfulness/meditation exercise to help them manage complex feelings, thoughts, and behaviors related to the trauma they experienced. Here’s how it works.

So quiet your thoughts, and consistently refocus your attention on your breathing. Do not be distracted by external objects or internal thoughts or feelings. By directing all your attention on your breathing, you become both relaxed and aware. Be aware of any thoughts that arise during your breathing and redirect your attention back to breathing. The goal is not to judge, reject, or focus on the thoughts but to redirect your focus to the act of breathing.

So if we apply mindfulness to our shopping habits, it might look something like this.

Focus on your task at hand, what you came into the store to do.  Observe your urges, thoughts, and feelings (e.g., I have to get this now or it will be gone) without judgment and let them pass. This helps us avoid acting out our conditioned responses or habits. If you need to focus on your breathing, or say an affirmation or prayer, then feel free to do so. After the shopping experience, process what occurred. You are now in a better position to determine if the item you saw would really add value to your wardrobe, home, or whatever you need it for.

Repeat this process each time, and assess whether or not you are making better decisions. Would love to know about your experience in the comments. :)

BE Podcast

Trained as a counseling psychologist, I always knew I wanted Trulery to be about lifting others’ up and helping them manage social-emotional issues that can at times feel so overwhelming. While focusing on design and fashion may seem “surface”, at the root of it is self-esteem building; and the use of design and fashion to support growth in diverse areas of our lives.

With that in mind, I have added a psychology and lifestyle component to Trulery as a space to discuss and work through these social-emotional issues. When I asked my friend, Myriam, if she wanted to participate in a podcast where we can really discuss those topics that matter to us, I was happy she agreed. Here is the first one if you haven’t seen it. And please excuse some of the cuts as the camera cut off several times unexpectedly (again). Bear with me—I’m trying to get a handle on this technology stuff, but I believe it doesn’t diminish the content. So relax, get yourself a drink, and listen to two women talk about beauty and fashion, career, and relationships. Hopefully you can relate.

Do I Really Have Anything? The Battle for Self-Esteem

Do I really have anything?

It’s a question I’ve asked myself during periods of self-doubt and discouragement. When those moments come, I know what I’m supposed to do. I’m supposed to remind myself that I am valuable, that I have gifts, and no amount of rejection or invalidation can change it. And it’s supposed to work. But it’s not always so easy. I’d say I’ve mostly been able to coast through the ups and downs of life pretty well, but my foundation has a few cracks that usually show itself when I’m triggered by experiences that rattle me. (Ugh, those pesky triggers.) The concept of being so self-assured that others’ perception of you mean almost nothing is a fascinating one. You have to be very inward leaning, looking inside yourself for comfort and being content with who you are.  It’s a perspective that takes time to cultivate and usually involves a mix of nurturance and structure during childhood, experience with repeated rejection, and that feeling of happiness that comes over you when you’ve decided just not to care about other’s opinions. I have the first two down, but it’s that third one that I can’t quite pin down so easily. The relief that comes with not caring about what other’s think of us takes practice; and I’ve missed a lot of lessons.

So when I ask do I even really have anything? It reflects my nasty habit of deep diving into the sea of self-doubt when things feel really hard. And, it’s a sea that I indulge in more often than I care to admit. Like those who have had practice building themselves up, I’ve had practice knocking myself down. Why do I do that? Is there a comfort in it? Well in a dysfunctional way, yes. And perhaps it comes just as easy as it does to those who find comfort in no longer caring about what others think. Maybe if I berate myself enough I won’t have to be disappointed. So I berate myself into nothingness, so much so that I might cease to exist, and won’t have to worry about feelings of sadness and hopelessness.

Why is this a better option? It isn’t. It demoralizing and chaotic—a horrible place to be in. And honestly, not a natural place for me to stay. I once heard Oprah say there are no mistakes. All bad experiences and failures are meant to guide you inward towards yourself, your “supreme destiny” which I basically interpret as God’s idea of us. Like the old saying goes “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger”; and if this is a struggle for strength, than I believe repeated feelings of hopelessness will somehow lead me to where I need to be. Kind of like a child who is tired of fussing and finally gives in, it gets tiresome to be so demoralized. So those moments when I’m discouraged and consumed with self-doubt, I’m strangely on my way to better self-esteem, a stronger sense of value, and hopefulness. Its all on the same road.  The scripture, Romans 8:28 reads “all things work together for the good of those who love God”—the good and the bad. So when I ask do I really have anything? The real answer is yes, I do. And you do too.

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